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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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Finally, we reach the old church. It’s quiet, too quiet. I’m thinkin’, “Where’s the boar?” Just then, I hear this rustlin’ in the bushes. My heart’s racin’. I’m ready to pounce! But it’s just a cat. A fat, lazy cat. I’m like, “Really? I came all this way for a cat?”

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